This fall I have felt incredibly trapped and unable to see past all the things that are not possible for me. Finding things to be happy about have been hard. As I struggled with all the obstacles that I felt I was up against  (time, money, logistics, fear  etc) I had been trying ( not so successfully) to talk myself into seeing all this as a opportunity for creativity. I kept thinking of cooking shows like ” Master Chef” where ingredients, time and experience  act as constraints and yet again and again contestants create something beautiful and tasty and unexpected. Couldn’t my life be like that?

And then a facebook friend posted this New York Times piece “ Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss”  by Chris Huntington where he writes so simply and eloquently about making peace with bad luck, constraints, ageing, basically all the things that hold us back in one way or the other. Most effective for me, the author does not advocate  ignoring loss or talking yourself out of feeling the weight of loss. The line that just slays  me is this one : “I’m constantly aware of lost opportunities. I used to think such lost opportunities were beautiful towns flashing by my train windows, but now I imagine they are lanterns from the past, casting light on what’s ahead.”

I loved the piece so much, I read it and re-read it and re-read again as I posted it here. I haven’t yet convinced myself that I can be creative despite  all that I feel I am missing out on, all that I feel that I have lost but the idea that there is possibility present even as I move further and further away  from things I loved and things I hoped for, I can’t help but find that such a daringly hopeful sentiment.

So I love that I am staring at the start of a new year and contemplating possibilities even while I grieve for all that might not be possible.